----------------------------Original message---------------------------- From: Tony Williams English SIUC (Moderator's note: Part One of the following was accidently sliced.) Newt's Video Store, Part Two (continued). The new MTV video version of "I've Got You, Babe" continued. Mr. Gingrich will now replace Mr. Bono's former spouse, Cher, performing under the title of "Sonny and Newt." The music video will see the duo perform "I've Got You,Babe" on the steps of the State Capital, the "Contract with America," slowly winding its way around a figure resembling the present White House incumbent before eventually strangling him. NEWS FLASH!!! - subject to confirmation. A recent report has suggested confirmation of the attempt by Hollywood conservatives to woo the new Speaker into Hollywood cinema. Negotiations are proceeding with the John Wayne Estate to produce a new version of the 1963 Western, "McClintock!" with Newt in the title role. Arnold Schwarenegger has expressed his willingness to produce as has Rupert Murdoch as Executive Producer. Kenneth Branagh will direct and also star in a cameo role as Disraeli allowing, of course, for a featured role for Emma Thompson as Queen Victoria. In a new addition to the original screenplay, the two British figures visit the McClintock ranch to continue the special relat- ionship with America begun by Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher. Kevin Costner will reprise the role originally played by Patrick Wayne as the youthful second lead seeking a father-figure. Rush Limbaugh is sought for the crucial cameo role of McClintock's sidekick, modelled on the character role pioneered by"Gabby"Hayes and Andy Devine. Sources suggest the film may not be made until after 1996 by which time the producers hope that Bill Clinton may be available for the part of weak Democratic political Governor Cuthbert H. Humphrey (originally played by former Batman serial star, Robert Lowery). Information is still not forthcoming as to whether the producers will succeed in casting Ms. Hilary Rodham Clinton in the role of errant spouse, Katherine McClintock in the role originally played by Maureen 0' Hara. Heated negotiations are still continuining as to whether the notorious "spanking" scene will appear in the new screenplay. But considerations over its appeal to affluent sado-masochist potential Republican supporters and donations to the Clinton legal defence fund may outweight objections. Mr. Gingrich has stated that he will perform for free, his thirty million dollar starring fee to be divided between G.O.P. funds and the "Boy's Town" orphanage. To ensure that the money will go to the real groups, Mr. Larry Jarvik will act as Financial Controller. Should the movie prove financially successful, Hollywood plans further sequels such as a remake of "Chisum." Newt will star as the benevolent rancher, Jim Bakker in the role of a preacher, Mickey Rourke in the role played by Ben Johnson in the original (for Mickey Rourke fan clubs in France as a means of reaching the European market), Pat Buchanan as Chisum's trusted ranch foreman, Rush Limbaugh as Andy Devine, and Bill Clinton as Billy, the Kid - a role originally played by Geoffrey Duel. Sources close to the project report that the new script will still contain the famous scene with Billy looking at a gun in one hand and a Bible in the other pondering his moral dilemma between legality and outlawry. To update the reference, Billy will now have a copy of his "Don't Ask - Don't Tell Pledge" in one hand and a Republican Mandate to Abolish Affirmative Action in the other. A new addition involves the casting of Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas in the role of a successful black rancher who has immediately risen from the status of an emancipated slave following the end of the Civil War into affluent capitalist. The poducers are seeking Spike Lee to play the role of a member of the younger generation seeking Oedipal direction in the new America paralleling the Patrick Wayne/ John Wayne relationship in the original McClintock! Sources close to the project are reluctant to admit whether either figure has agreed to the casting. Hollywood stars are eagerly seeking parts in the projects. Charlton Heston wishes to play Newt's younger brother in either film. Gerald McRainey also wishes to play the Ben Johnson sidekick role while Delta Burke hopes for the highly sought after role of the dance hall girl with the heart of gold. Informed sources are reluctant to disclose who will play Chisum's bad rancher opponent role, a part pioneered by Forrest Tucker in the original. However, whispers abound that Senator Edward Kennedy may be the final casting choice. Richard Attenborough may appear in a c cameo role as British Prime Minister Gladtone visiting the Chisum Ranch. Although, this will be a Hollywood production, Mr Attenborough has said, "Well after all, with me in it it's really a BRITISH film! Look how much I aided the box-office success of "Jurassic Park." These projects are regarded by the G.O.P. as not just entertainment. With the projected demise of PBS, the N.E.A. and N.E.H. they are intended to supply important contributions to American culture showing that the private realm can really beat the public.