Comments By: John Henderson@PSY@SSC Originally To: Fernanda Ferreira@PSY@SSC, John Henderson@PSY@SSC Originally From: Galen Bodenhausen@PSY@SSC Comments: Enjoy! -------------------------[Original Message]-------------------------- >How the Gingrinch Stole Congress! >by Kris Rabberman & Scott Prevost > > >Every Who >Down in Whoville >Liked Elections a lot . . . > >But Newt Gingrinch, >Who lived on Mount Gridlock, >Did NOT! > >The Gingrinch loathed voting, the whole campaign season! >Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. >It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. >It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. >But I think that the most likely reason of all, >May have been that his brain was two sizes too small. > >But whatever the reason, >His brain or his shoes, >He stood there Election Eve , hating the Whos, >Staring down from Mount Gridlock with a Gingrinchy frown, >At the candidates stumping below in their town. >For he knew every Who who was thinking that night, >Would cast their votes wisely--against the far right. > >"And they're worried about issues!" he snarled with a sneer, >"Tomorrow's the election! It's practically here!" >And the gears in his head began frantically spinning, >"I MUST find a way to keep liberals from winning!" > >For tomorrow, he knew all the Whos in the know, >Would vote for the DemoWhos all in a row, >For Wofford and Foley, Feinstein and Cuomo. > >Then the DemoWho Congress would do what he'd hate, >Come up with new programs, and then legislate! >Healthcare and gun bans they'd gladly create, >But such progress the Gingrinch would only berate. > >And THEN they'd do something >He liked least of all! >Every DemoWho in Congress, the tall and the small, >Would stand close together, and say with one voice, >"We're for women's rights and we're also pro-choice!" > >They'd work! And they'd work! >AND they'd WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK! >And the more that the Gingrinch thought, with a smirk, >The more that he thought, "I must STOP their hard work! >Why since Who-sevelt's years I've put up with it now! >I MUST stop the liberals from winning! > . . But HOW?" > >Then he got an idea! >An AWFUL idea! >The Newt >got a HORRIBLE, AWFUL idea! > >"I know just what to do!" Gingrinch laughed in his throat. >"I'll make empty vows in return for their vote." >And he chuckled, and clucked, "I've got a great con. >With these lies we'll pay homage to President Ron!" > >"All I need is a gimmick . . ." >The Newt looked around. >But since ideas are scarce, there were none to be found. >Did that stop the old Gingrinch >>From finding a scheme . . . ? >Of course not, he had the Whopublican team. >So he called Mr. Dole, and he eagerly said, >"I need to make use of your sly, sneaky head." > >Then they made up a plan, >That was terribly Dole-y, >To unseat the speaker, >Congressman Foley. > >And they wrote up a contract. >They did it that day, >And they chortled and laughed, >"All the liberals must pay." > >As the Gingrinch and Dole formulated their schemes, >Based on trickle down theories and far right extremes, >The DemoWhos, calmly, were dreaming their dreams. >First Gingrinch and Dole, with a gleam in their eyes, >About Clinton's record, told many lies. > >Then they told of the programs they'd gleefully pinch, >Who better to do this than Mr. Gingrinch? >They got stuck only once, on the issue of ketchup, >So they got on the phone and they called Orrin Hatch up. >Then both of them sunk to a terrible low. >"Entitlements," they grinned, "are the first things to go!" > >Then they slithered and slunk, with smiles most unpleasant, >Obnoxiously trashing the left, past and present! >"With Huffington, Romney, North and Santorum, >We're sure that the left cannot help but deplore 'em! >With ads so misleading they're practically criminal, >We'll use our PAC money for commercials subliminal!" > >"We'll bombard them with TV, and a racist disc-jockey! >Who supports Chuck Haytaian and dark-horse Pataki. >We'll support Ollie North, and Dewine over Hyatt, >And with all of his cash, we'll have Huffington buy it!" > >"When we win, we'll control each and every committee, >"To be sure funds are sent to nary a city! >"And Alfonse D'amato," (the dork from New York), >"can continue to rant about Bill Clinton's pork!" > >"Against Feinstein and Boxer's ardent protesting, >"Senator Packwood can keep on molesting!" >By the twisted up logic of Jesse and Strom, >"With gays in the army, we lost Vietnam!" > >"A lineup like this is Clinton's worst fear," >said Gingrinch to Dole, with a dastardly sneer. > >"Taxes, the wealthy should not have to pay," >the maniacal duo was eager to say. >"And when Congress is ours, we'll have prayer in the schools," >Muttered Dole to the Newt, "Disregard liberal fools!" > >The plan was enacted, >The ballots were cast, >The sham made the voters return to the past. > >The Gingrinch was gleeful, and Dole started gloating, >before all the Whos had completed their voting. >"We now have a mandate!" they said with a laugh, >Even though, of the votes, they received only half. > >With snickering Newt in the role of the Speaker, >The prospects for changes have never been bleaker. >"The plans that we've outlined, we won't be revising," >said Gingrinch, "We simply ABHOR compromising!" > >____________________________________________ > >The day of this scary Whopublican showing, >We started to notice Newt's head slowly growing, >Though now we can say, as you may have inferred, >His brain starting SHRINKING that day, so we've heard. > >Though the Whos may be worried and shaking in fear, >>From the dastardly changes that soon may be here, >The way Whos can solve this is really a cinch, >In '96 vote against cynic Gingrinch! > > > > DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed here are not necessarily the >opinions of Dr. Seuss, or those with an interest in his estate, or >anyone related to him, or anyone he met only once on a crowded train >traveling from New York to Chicago, or his former next-door-neighbor's >dog Max. Some stanzas of the preceding work were directly stolen from >Dr. Seuss' classic work, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," without the >permission, expressed or implied, of Theodor or Audrey Geisel, or >Random House, Inc. This work was created solely for the amusement of >the authors and should not be copied, distributed or otherwise >duplicated by any means (electronic or telepathic included) without the >expressed written consent of whoever owns the copyright to the book the >authors plagiarized to create this masterpiece. Any evidence to the >contrary should be construed as purely accidental and not the intent of >the authors (who, by the way, receive no monetary benefit for having >written the poem, but had to pay an overpriced lawyer for this >disclaimer) . The authors accept no responsibility for any nightmares >or other psychological problems caused by reading this work to >liberals already suffering from Post Election Stress Disorder. > >