Comments By: John Henderson@PSY@SSC
Originally To: Fernanda Ferreira@PSY@SSC, John Henderson@PSY@SSC
Originally From: Galen Bodenhausen@PSY@SSC
>How the Gingrinch Stole Congress!
>by Kris Rabberman & Scott Prevost
>Down in Whoville
>Liked Elections a lot . . .
>But Newt Gingrinch,
>Who lived on Mount Gridlock,
>The Gingrinch loathed voting, the whole campaign season!
>Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
>It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
>It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
>But I think that the most likely reason of all,
>May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
>But whatever the reason,
>His brain or his shoes,
>He stood there Election Eve , hating the Whos,
>Staring down from Mount Gridlock with a Gingrinchy frown,
>At the candidates stumping below in their town.
>For he knew every Who who was thinking that night,
>Would cast their votes wisely--against the far right.
>"And they're worried about issues!" he snarled with a sneer,
>"Tomorrow's the election! It's practically here!"
>And the gears in his head began frantically spinning,
>"I MUST find a way to keep liberals from winning!"
>For tomorrow, he knew all the Whos in the know,
>Would vote for the DemoWhos all in a row,
>For Wofford and Foley, Feinstein and Cuomo.
>Then the DemoWho Congress would do what he'd hate,
>Come up with new programs, and then legislate!
>Healthcare and gun bans they'd gladly create,
>But such progress the Gingrinch would only berate.
>And THEN they'd do something
>He liked least of all!
>Every DemoWho in Congress, the tall and the small,
>Would stand close together, and say with one voice,
>"We're for women's rights and we're also pro-choice!"
>They'd work! And they'd work!
>AND they'd WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK!
>And the more that the Gingrinch thought, with a smirk,
>The more that he thought, "I must STOP their hard work!
>Why since Who-sevelt's years I've put up with it now!
>I MUST stop the liberals from winning!
> . . But HOW?"
>Then he got an idea!
>An AWFUL idea!
>got a HORRIBLE, AWFUL idea!
>"I know just what to do!" Gingrinch laughed in his throat.
>"I'll make empty vows in return for their vote."
>And he chuckled, and clucked, "I've got a great con.
>With these lies we'll pay homage to President Ron!"
>"All I need is a gimmick . . ."
>The Newt looked around.
>But since ideas are scarce, there were none to be found.
>Did that stop the old Gingrinch
>>From finding a scheme . . . ?
>Of course not, he had the Whopublican team.
>So he called Mr. Dole, and he eagerly said,
>"I need to make use of your sly, sneaky head."
>Then they made up a plan,
>That was terribly Dole-y,
>To unseat the speaker,
>And they wrote up a contract.
>They did it that day,
>And they chortled and laughed,
>"All the liberals must pay."
>As the Gingrinch and Dole formulated their schemes,
>Based on trickle down theories and far right extremes,
>The DemoWhos, calmly, were dreaming their dreams.
>First Gingrinch and Dole, with a gleam in their eyes,
>About Clinton's record, told many lies.
>Then they told of the programs they'd gleefully pinch,
>Who better to do this than Mr. Gingrinch?
>They got stuck only once, on the issue of ketchup,
>So they got on the phone and they called Orrin Hatch up.
>Then both of them sunk to a terrible low.
>"Entitlements," they grinned, "are the first things to go!"
>Then they slithered and slunk, with smiles most unpleasant,
>Obnoxiously trashing the left, past and present!
>"With Huffington, Romney, North and Santorum,
>We're sure that the left cannot help but deplore 'em!
>With ads so misleading they're practically criminal,
>We'll use our PAC money for commercials subliminal!"
>"We'll bombard them with TV, and a racist disc-jockey!
>Who supports Chuck Haytaian and dark-horse Pataki.
>We'll support Ollie North, and Dewine over Hyatt,
>And with all of his cash, we'll have Huffington buy it!"
>"When we win, we'll control each and every committee,
>"To be sure funds are sent to nary a city!
>"And Alfonse D'amato," (the dork from New York),
>"can continue to rant about Bill Clinton's pork!"
>"Against Feinstein and Boxer's ardent protesting,
>"Senator Packwood can keep on molesting!"
>By the twisted up logic of Jesse and Strom,
>"With gays in the army, we lost Vietnam!"
>"A lineup like this is Clinton's worst fear,"
>said Gingrinch to Dole, with a dastardly sneer.
>"Taxes, the wealthy should not have to pay,"
>the maniacal duo was eager to say.
>"And when Congress is ours, we'll have prayer in the schools,"
>Muttered Dole to the Newt, "Disregard liberal fools!"
>The plan was enacted,
>The ballots were cast,
>The sham made the voters return to the past.
>The Gingrinch was gleeful, and Dole started gloating,
>before all the Whos had completed their voting.
>"We now have a mandate!" they said with a laugh,
>Even though, of the votes, they received only half.
>With snickering Newt in the role of the Speaker,
>The prospects for changes have never been bleaker.
>"The plans that we've outlined, we won't be revising,"
>said Gingrinch, "We simply ABHOR compromising!"
>The day of this scary Whopublican showing,
>We started to notice Newt's head slowly growing,
>Though now we can say, as you may have inferred,
>His brain starting SHRINKING that day, so we've heard.
>Though the Whos may be worried and shaking in fear,
>>From the dastardly changes that soon may be here,
>The way Whos can solve this is really a cinch,
>In '96 vote against cynic Gingrinch!
> DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed here are not necessarily the
>opinions of Dr. Seuss, or those with an interest in his estate, or
>anyone related to him, or anyone he met only once on a crowded train
>traveling from New York to Chicago, or his former next-door-neighbor's
>dog Max. Some stanzas of the preceding work were directly stolen from
>Dr. Seuss' classic work, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," without the
>permission, expressed or implied, of Theodor or Audrey Geisel, or
>Random House, Inc. This work was created solely for the amusement of
>the authors and should not be copied, distributed or otherwise
>duplicated by any means (electronic or telepathic included) without the
>expressed written consent of whoever owns the copyright to the book the
>authors plagiarized to create this masterpiece. Any evidence to the
>contrary should be construed as purely accidental and not the intent of
>the authors (who, by the way, receive no monetary benefit for having
>written the poem, but had to pay an overpriced lawyer for this
>disclaimer) . The authors accept no responsibility for any nightmares
>or other psychological problems caused by reading this work to
>liberals already suffering from Post Election Stress Disorder.