----------------------------Original message----------------------------
From: Tony Williams
English
SIUC
 Sources close to Hollywood channels report that Kevin Costner Productions
have persuaded the John Wayne Estate to support another re-make starring
Newt Gingrich. Michael Wayne is reportedas being highly pleased that the
Speaker of the House will appear in a new version of TRUE GRIT.
  Already mentioned as casting possibilities are Lynne Cheyney in the
role originally played by Kim Darby and Bill Bennett in the Texas Ranger
Glen Campbell part. Strom Thurmond is currently negotiating for the
character role of Hanging Judge Parker.
  This version will differ from its predecessor in containing a new sub-plot.
Camille Paglia will portray Mattie's twin sister separated from her sibling
Cheyney at birth and abandoned in the NEA Hotel run by Madame Jane Alexander,
bell hooks, and Maya Angelou. Escaping from a fate worse than death - namely
servicing the Julia Kristeva Semiotic Ballet Company, Ms. Paglia disguises
herself as a boy and joins Newt and Bill. Half way during the journey, the
guys discover her real identity when Bill falls from his horse on top of her.
"Aw Shucks!" utters the former Drug Czar of the West. "You're really a guy
after all."
  The reconstructed trio enter into battle against the bad people, the latter
aided by corrupt sheriff Al Gore who has concealed his secret marriage to
temperance campaigner "Tipsy" from Madam Jane. "Tipsy" has been campaiging
against the erotic performances given in the West by outsiders Lily Langtry
and Jenny Lind whom she believes are corrupting the youth of America. After
a rousing battle, the reconstituted Duke's forces win again, while the female
antagonists ride off into the distance to re-appear in a future sequel, BAD
GIRLS II.
  Musical score by Mitch Miller from a recently discovered musical composition
from the archives of Lawrence Welk.