From: Tony Williams
(Moderator's note: Part One of the following was accidently sliced.)
Newt's Video Store, Part Two (continued). The new MTV video version of
"I've Got You, Babe" continued. Mr. Gingrich will now replace Mr. Bono's
former spouse, Cher, performing under the title of "Sonny and Newt."
The music video will see the duo perform "I've Got You,Babe" on
the steps of the State Capital, the "Contract with America," slowly
winding its way around a figure resembling the present White House
incumbent before eventually strangling him.
NEWS FLASH!!! - subject to confirmation.
A recent report has suggested confirmation of the attempt by Hollywood
conservatives to woo the new Speaker into Hollywood cinema. Negotiations are
proceeding with the John Wayne Estate to produce a new version of the 1963
Western, "McClintock!" with Newt in the title role. Arnold Schwarenegger has
expressed his willingness to produce as has Rupert Murdoch as Executive
Producer. Kenneth Branagh will direct and also star in a cameo role as
Disraeli allowing, of course, for a featured role for Emma Thompson as
Queen Victoria. In a new addition to the original screenplay, the two
British figures visit the McClintock ranch to continue the special relat-
ionship with America begun by Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher. Kevin
Costner will reprise the role originally played by Patrick Wayne as the
youthful second lead seeking a father-figure. Rush Limbaugh is sought for
the crucial cameo role of McClintock's sidekick, modelled on the character
role pioneered by"Gabby"Hayes and Andy Devine. Sources suggest the film may
not be made until after 1996 by which time the producers hope that Bill
Clinton may be available for the part of weak Democratic political Governor
Cuthbert H. Humphrey (originally played by former Batman serial star, Robert
Lowery). Information is still not forthcoming as to whether the producers
will succeed in casting Ms. Hilary Rodham Clinton in the role of errant
spouse, Katherine McClintock in the role originally played by Maureen 0'
Hara. Heated negotiations are still continuining as to whether the
notorious "spanking" scene will appear in the new screenplay. But
considerations over its appeal to affluent sado-masochist potential
Republican supporters and donations to the Clinton legal defence fund
may outweight objections.
Mr. Gingrich has stated that he will perform for free, his thirty
million dollar starring fee to be divided between G.O.P. funds and the
"Boy's Town" orphanage. To ensure that the money will go to the real
groups, Mr. Larry Jarvik will act as Financial Controller.
Should the movie prove financially successful, Hollywood plans further
sequels such as a remake of "Chisum." Newt will star as the benevolent
rancher, Jim Bakker in the role of a preacher, Mickey Rourke in the role
played by Ben Johnson in the original (for Mickey Rourke fan clubs in France
as a means of reaching the European market), Pat Buchanan as Chisum's
trusted ranch foreman, Rush Limbaugh as Andy Devine, and Bill Clinton as
Billy, the Kid - a role originally played by Geoffrey Duel. Sources
close to the project report that the new script will still contain the
famous scene with Billy looking at a gun in one hand and a Bible in the
other pondering his moral dilemma between legality and outlawry. To
update the reference, Billy will now have a copy of his "Don't Ask -
Don't Tell Pledge" in one hand and a Republican Mandate to Abolish
Affirmative Action in the other.
A new addition involves the casting of Supreme Court Judge Clarence
Thomas in the role of a successful black rancher who has immediately
risen from the status of an emancipated slave following the end of the
Civil War into affluent capitalist. The poducers are seeking Spike Lee
to play the role of a member of the younger generation seeking Oedipal
direction in the new America paralleling the Patrick Wayne/ John Wayne
relationship in the original McClintock! Sources close to the project
are reluctant to admit whether either figure has agreed to the casting.
Hollywood stars are eagerly seeking parts in the projects. Charlton
Heston wishes to play Newt's younger brother in either film. Gerald
McRainey also wishes to play the Ben Johnson sidekick role while Delta
Burke hopes for the highly sought after role of the dance hall girl with
the heart of gold. Informed sources are reluctant to disclose who will
play Chisum's bad rancher opponent role, a part pioneered by Forrest
Tucker in the original. However, whispers abound that Senator Edward
Kennedy may be the final casting choice. Richard Attenborough may appear in a c
cameo role as British Prime Minister Gladtone visiting the Chisum Ranch.
Although, this will be a Hollywood production, Mr Attenborough has said,
"Well after all, with me in it it's really a BRITISH film! Look how much
I aided the box-office success of "Jurassic Park."
These projects are regarded by the G.O.P. as not just entertainment.
With the projected demise of PBS, the N.E.A. and N.E.H. they are intended
to supply important contributions to American culture showing that the
private realm can really beat the public.