Just for fun...
# Mayor: There's something wrong. This isn't right. There's something
--AGENT OF OZ--
[Cooper lies in bed in his room. Catherine is stroking his
head. Andy, the Log Lady and the Man From Another Place are
sitting around the bed.]
Cooper: Auntie Em!
Cath.: Auntie Em?
Cooper: I must have been dreaming. It was horrible. We
were all on Saturday's. Andy you were there. The
Log Lady was there. The Man From Another Place was
Cath.: Saturday's! That is a bad dream.
Announcer: Twin Peaks is back on Thursday nights.
Coop: Diane, Thursday nights. There's no place like home.
Hawk: The man has a poor sense of recreation.
# Lucy: Tomorrow is D-Day, Dad Day.
Albert: Coop, about the uniform.
Cooper: Yes, Albert?
Albert: Usually, replacing the quiet elegance of the dark
suit and tie for the casual indifference of these
muted earthtones is a form of fashion suicide. But,
call me crazy, on you it works.
Annie: I lived in my head mostly.
Cooper: That's not a bad neighborhood.
Annie: There were some pretty strange neighbors.
Judy Swain: An orphan, you know.
Andy: Really? What happened? Did his parents die?
WE: Cooper doesn't know the meaning of STALEMATE!
# Mayor:Oh, my God, this guy is British or Bohemian or something. He's
bound to fall for your charms.
Nadine:I think I've gone _blind_ in my left eye!
Cooper: Sure fire cure for a hangover, Harry. You take
a glass of nearly frozen unstrained tomato juice.
You plop a couple of oysters in there. You drink it
down. Breathe deeply. Next you take a mound, and I
mean a mound of sweetbreads. Sautee it in some
chestnuts and Canadian Bacon. Finally, biscuits,
big biscuits, smothered in gravy. Now here's where
it gets tricky. You're gonna need some anchovies.
Harry: Excuse me. [and rushes to the bathroom]
Cooper: That should do it.
Gordon: HARRY, THE BEST CURE I EVER CAME ACROSS FOR A
HANGOVER IS RAW MEAT, AND PLENTY OF IT. YA BREAK AN
EGG ON IT. ADD IN SOME SALTED ANCHOVIES, TOBASCO
AND WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. [Harry, again rushes to
the bathroom] IF YOU WANT WE CAN ORDER IT UP
FOR YA. [Cooper and Gordon smile at each other]
Harry: What do you recommend for a hangover?
Annie: Teetotaling and prayer.
Cooper: Good answer.
Harry: I'll try some coffee.
Ben: Sometimes the urge to do bad is nearly overpowering.
# Cooper: Well, my symptoms suggest the onset of malaria, but I've
never felt better in my life.
Johnny Horne: Oouaaaahouaaaahouoooh! (Ed note: Sp? :-)
Irene: Of all the people in the world, the best and the
worst are drawn to a dead dog. Most turn away. Only
the pure of heart can feel its pain. And somewhere
in between the rest of us struggle.
Audrey: They have women agents?
Denise: More or less.
Gordon: YOU ARE WITNESSING A FRONT THREE-QUARTER VIEW OF TWO ADULTS
SHARING A TENDER MOMENT. [to Shelly] Acts like he's never seen
a kiss before.
Cooper: Uh, Gordon.
Gordon: TAKE ANOTHER LOOK, SONNY. IT'S GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN.
# Cooper: He has engaged us in subterfuge and red herring. A fish I
don't particular care for.
Denise: I may be wearing a dress, but I still pull my
panties on one leg at a time, if you know what I
Cooper: Not really.
WE: Tacit agreement is acceptable, Leo. Your silence
speaks volumes. Or if not volumes, at least the
occasional punctuated paragraph.
# WE: Leo, it looks like you finally found your calling.
Audrey: I've examined his will Jerry. If my father becomes
incapacitated, it all goes to me when I'm old
enough. And I am old enough and he is
incapacitated. Play it my way either way or the
only project you'll be developing is selling
baseboard heaters at the local cash-n-carry.
Jerry: What's happened to the man is a tragedy.
Audrey: Yea, Jerry, it's a tragedy.
Pete: Now if there's chessboards in Heaven, Jose's sittin'
next to the Lord.
Gordon: THE WORD LINKAGE REMINDS ME OF SAUSAGE. NEVER
CARED MUCH FOR THE LINKS, PREFERRED THE PATTIES. BUT
BREAKFAST IS A REAL GOOD IDEA. BONZAI. REMEMBER
THOSE OLD WORLD WAR II MOVIES? BONZAAIIIII!!!!
WE: AAAH, Damnation.
Dwayne: She killed him with SEX.
# Andy: Styrofoam never dies for as long as you live.
# Lucy: It doesn't?
Dick: Oh she doth teach the torches to burn bright (Andy
sighs) It seems she hangs against the cheek of night
+ Doc: Like a rich jewel in an ethiope's ear. Beauty too
rich for youth, for earth too dear.
Cooper: Harry, Windom Earle's mind is like a diamond. It's
cold and hard and brilliant.
WE: Once upon a time there was a place of great goodness called
the White Lodge. Gentle fawns gamboled there amidst happy,
laughing spirits. The sounds of innocence and joy filled the
air. And when it rained, it rained sweet nectar that infused
one's heart with the desire to live life in truth and beauty.
Generally speaking a ghastly place, reeking in virtue's sour
smell, engorged with the whispered prayers of kneeling mothers
and mewling newborns, and fool's young and old compelled to do
good without reason. heh, heh.
But I am happy to point out that our story does not end in
this wretched place of saccharine excess. For there's another
place. Its opposite. A place of almost unimaginable power,
chockful of dark forces and vicious secrets. No prayers dare
enter this frightful maw. Spirits there care not for good
deeds or priestly implications. They as like to rip the flesh
from you bones as greet you with a happy good day. And if
harnessed, these spirits in this hidden land of unmuffled
screams of broken hearts offer up a power so vast that its
bearer might reorder the Earth itself to his liking. Ah, this
place I speak of is known as the Black Lodge and I intend to
Rusty T:Hey man, the story's cool, but you promised me beer.
Dr Jacoby: What [Ben] needs right now is both your
understanding and a Confederate victory.
# Mayor: You put on a dress with a slit, oh, the slit cut halfway to
Dick: But what I'm trying to make clear is that using a
stuffed animal to represent an endangered species as
an ecological protest constitutes the supreme
Hawk: Maybe we'd better just whistle on our way past the
Doc H.: Is she sexually active?
Ed: Active? Doc, I wake up every morning feeling like I
got hit by a timber truck.
Mike: Do you have any idea what a combination of sexual maturity
and superhuman strength can result in.
[Whispers to Bobby]
Ben: You'll have to excuse me. The chef just tried to
Albert: Get a life, punk.
# Pete: Audrey, there are many cures for a broken heart, but nothing
quite like a trout's leap in the moonlight.
Dr Jacoby: Now what she does in fact possess is a
heightened sexual drive and a working knowledge of
technique, anatomy and touch that few men have ever
had the pleasure of experiencing or the skills to
Harry: Is it hot in here?
Lucy: You can't do that!
Pete (to Coop): My students.
Lucy: Mr Martell, Andy moved his knight without doing the
little hook thing.
Andy: You don't have to do the little hook thing, that's
Pete: Andy, uh, the knight has to do the little hook
Andy: Every time?
Pete: It's a privilege. No one else gets to make that
Andy: Ok, Mr Martell.
Lucy: I guess some people don't know quite as much as they
think they do. Check!
Pete: We forgot the weinies, all beef with the skin on
# Audrey: I'm a virgin.
# Jack: A what?
# Audrey: I want you to make love with me.
# Jack: What? Here and now?
# Audrey: It's your jet.
# Jack: Thank God for that.
Ben: I give you the little pine weasel found only in our
tri-county area. It is nearly extinct.
Jerry: They're incredible roasted.
Andy: Once stimulated the female will respond in such a
way that the skin around her ... Oh My God!
Cooper: Great players are either far or few.
Malcom: Mrs. Marsh hired him to fix the Jaguar.
Trooper: Jaguar ... J-a-g-w ... uh, the car.
Cooper: I've got four hungry lawmen out in the cruiser. We need donuts.
BOB: COOP, what happened to JOSIE?!
# WE: What's the capitol of North Carolina?
# WE: Fat lot of good that'll do me.
Gordon: HOLY SMOKES! WHO IS THAT?
Cooper: Shelly Johnson.
[Gordon motions he didn't hear]
Cooper: SHELLY JOHNSON.
Gordon: WHAT A BEAUTY! KINDA REMINDS ME OF THAT STATUE, THE
BABE WITHOUT THE ARMS.
Cooper: Venus de Milo.
Gordon: THE NAME WAS MILO, BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.
THAT'S THE KIND OF GIRL THAT MAKES YOU WISH YOU
SPOKE A LITTLE FRENCH. 'SCUSE ME COOP WHILE I TRY
MY HAND AT A LITTLE COUNTER-ESPARANTO.
Gordon: Good luck, Gordon.
Gordon: HELLO. I WAS WONDERING IF I MIGHT TROUBLE YOU FOR A
CUP OF STRONG BLACK COFFEE AND IN THE PROCESS ENGAGE
YOU WITH AN ANECDOTE OF NO SMALL AMUSEMENT. THE
NAME IS GORDON COLE AND I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE
YOU FROM THE BOOTH. AND .. WELL, SEEING YOUR BEAUTY
NOW I FEEL AS THOUGH MY STOMACH IS FILLED WITH A
TEAM OF BUMBLEBEES.
Shelly: You don't have to shout. I can hear you.
Gordon: I HEARD THAT. I, I HEARD THAT.
Shelly: Um, do you want anything besides coffee?
Gordon: I HEARD YOU PERFECTLY!
Shelly: And I can hear you, honest.
Gordon: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. You don't understand Miss
Johnson. Do you see this? For 20 years I've been asking
people to please speak up, but for some weird
reason I can hear you clear as a bell. Say
Shelly: Um, um, do you want pie with your coffee?
Gordon: Good Lord, I can hear you perfectly. This is like
some sort of miracle. A...a phenomenon.
LL: What's wrong with miracles?
Gordon: WHAT'S THAT?
LL: This cherry pie is a miracle.
Gordon: WOULD YOU PLEASE ASK THE LADY WITH THE LOG TO SPEAK
Shelly: Um, the pie, she was talking about the cherry pie.
Gordon: I heard you again. I heard you again.
Shelly: Would you like some pie?
Gordon: MASSIVE, MASSIVE QUANTITIES AND A GLASS OF WATER,
SWEETHEART. MY SOCKS ARE ON FIRE.
Shelly: Do you want some more pie? A whole pie?
Gordon: YES I WOULD MISS JOHNSON. AND A PIECE OF PAPER AND
A PENCIL. I PLAN ON WRITING AN EPIC POEM ABOUT THIS
Cooper: Two penguins were walking across an iceberg.
One penguin turned to the second penguin and said,
"You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."
Gordon: I HEARD THAT!
Annie: Wait a minute. I'll be right back. [She leaves]
Cooper: I wasn't quite finished.
Harry: How long you been in love with her?
Cooper: Harry, who said anything about love?
Harry: Cooper, you just tried to tell her a joke.
Cooper: I did? [Annie returns]
Annie: So what did the second penguin say?
Cooper: Well, the first penguin said to the second penguin,
"You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." And the
second penguin said, "Maybe I am."
[Annie and Cooper both laugh]
Harry: Defense rests.
Rusty: Whoa man, I do not appreciate practical jokes.
# Lucy: [news flash noise] This is a Twin Peaks special announcement.
The spine-tingling, two hour season finale of Twin Peaks can
be seen ..... TA DA .... Monday June 10th. We now return you
to our regular scheduled program.
*"Ask them who they'd prefer to
KERR AVON | Work: ICL, * meet -- Squadron Commander
aka Liam Cairney |Reading, England* Flasheart or the man who cleans
All e-mail to:- | Home: Glasgow, * out the public toilets in Aber-
[log in to unmask] | Scotland * deen, and they'll go for Wee Jock
* Pooh Pong McPlop every time..."
"I belong to Glasgow..." * -- Captain Edmund Blackadder